My answer to your question.
I usually stay within the objective realm despite writing about highly subjective topics. This time around I venture outside that boundary into a more vulnerable space: on the edge of my own grey zone.
Maybe you don't know who Louise Perry is, and if you don't, it's no big deal. She's just somebody who speaks and writes about casual sex. Well, not only that, but that's the part that interests me. Her message is rather anti-feminist by any modern feminist's standards and it goes something like this: Don't do it!
In casual sex she englobes pretty much any sex that takes place outside marriage. Pretty harsh though her book tones that down a bit to waiting three months before jumping into bed (or any other location) with someone. She only puts that time frame because it seems more reasonable in view of today's standards.
And here we are, as women, toning things down once more but in the opposite direction. It's funny how malleable we tend to be despite this neo-masculine role into which we've all shoved ourselves.
But I said I'd make it personal so here it goes...
My answer to any and all solicitation be it online or offline is: No love, no honey.
It's my own version of an expression once jokingly told to me by a former colleague on the cusp of his employment. The original saying was: No money, no honey!
It took me a long time to figure out what that meant.
Innocence is bliss.
At the end of a chill day (without kids for a couple of hours) and after visiting an old castle (something Belgians will deeply understand) in the only day of the week with sun and heat, we sat in the garden and mused over the days of our lives.
"The reason we're mostly alone is that we're too closed for the open people, too open for the closed people, and a shoulder to cry on for everyone else in-between."
"It's because inclusive is only to the group, not for the individual." He added.
We then fell into silence, drinking the rest of our beer and listening to neighbouring kids having fun on a jumping castle somewhere behind a forest of bamboo.
But this is about me rather than about 'us'. Every once in a while, a man pops (back) on the radar with a random invitation for sex. They're usually very blunt and don't bother to initiate or maintain a real conversation. It's like the woman is an avatar they conjure up whenever they feel the urge: a character in a computer game. I ask myself two questions:
- How blind must a man be to treat a woman as if she were a bag of crisps on a shelf?
- How blind must a woman be to accept being opened at random?
Worse than the unimaginative approach is the expectation that she will not refuse. There's little grey area in the realm of the casual. Though it all looks very grey.
So what's the point to all this?
The point is that I openly state what I actually need and want, and why. I don't sugarcoat what I desire, what I like and what I don't like and it all falls on deaf ears (or eyes since most of this takes place virtually). What is difficult to explain to horny men of all ages is that I'm just not that open and that I'm just not that into them regardless of their status, appearance or approach. And that in fact a great deal of women prefer falling in love before falling in lust and prefer being loved back rather than taking a ticket and waiting in line.
The result of living in contradiction is a growing resentment towards modernity.
Perhaps this is what the newest generation (beyond Z) is rumoured to think and feel towards the social mess that the previous generations have created. I don't know.
What I do know is the set of silent thoughts that until now I've held back for the sake of compliance to individual freedom:
"Hi, how are you?" A random dude.
"No porn." My answer.
"Can we have a drink!" Another dude.
"Get a girlfriend." My answer.
"I'm free all weekend!" Another dude
"I'm not." My answer.
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No love, no honey!" My answer.
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